I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My balls are so social today.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
