Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize