Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
