The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
