Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
