I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
