My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
