So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
