she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
