Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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