I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
