Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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