I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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