All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize