How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
