GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
