i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
