he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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