Are we in a gay sports bar?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
