Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
