there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
