I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
