Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
