she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
