Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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