I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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