he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
