Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Randomize
