I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize