I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
