So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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