So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
