Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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