My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I intend to get homeless drunk
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
