Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i've created a new STD.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
