1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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