you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
