mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
