P.S. I can't hear my feet
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize