a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
