i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
