just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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