You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
