Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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