So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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