Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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