i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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