Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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