I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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