I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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