I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
