Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I met the friendliest cop last night
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
