i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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