About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
