I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
