It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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