just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
