kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
