I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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