i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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