I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
