Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
